I love music. I have no talent for music, but I love it. So, it's probably not surprising that I like American Idol. I don't watch a lot of TV but this is one show I DVR. This morning I had some down time and decided to watch last night's episode. They're into the final 3 and one of the rounds was hometown's choice from 2 songs that were previously performed by each contestant. Jena's hometown chose for her "Creep" by Radiohead. I must have missed the first time she sang it. I've heard the song before but obviously didn't pay much attention to the words. You can listen to it
here. And
here is Jena's version. She was emotional at the end of the song and, surprisingly, so was I.
I remember 20 years ago, in college, I was with my best friend in the library and I randomly turned to her and said,
"I don't belong here."
She was confused. She thought I meant the library. ;) She said, "What do you mean?" I said, "I don't belong here." (and opened my arms to include everything) She was silent for a minute and I could see her contemplating. She then looked me in the eye and said, "I've always felt the same way." We shared a deep understanding in that moment as our spirits shared something that neither one of us could ever put into words.
"But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here."
I was afraid if I just posted the lyrics on my FB page I would freak people out so I decided to do it here so I could explain a little. :)
How many of us walk around feeling like we don't belong here? We see others. We judge others, good or bad. We think they have it all together. We think their lives are a total mess. We don't see the demons they struggle with or the hurts they hold deep in their hearts. We don't see the things that bring them joy or peace. We feel lonely. Unconnected. Maybe even lost. We feel like no one really sees us. They say the eyes are the window to the soul. We wish that were true. That someone could look into them and really see what's behind all the insecurity or the bravado or the emptiness. We have a desire to be accepted for who we really are, but are afraid to be who we really are for fear of not being accepted. A little bit of a conundrum, eh?
I think many of us believe there's a plan for us. That we are here for a reason, a purpose. But, for some of us, somewhere along the way that purpose got lost in life. I just talked with a friend who is about 10 years older than I am. She is married to a kind and considerate man, has beautiful children and grandchildren, has financial security, and a beautiful home. She gets to travel and attends church regularly. Others would look at her and probably ask, "What in the world could she have to be sad about?" She said to me (a little in jest because she has a great sense of humor, too), "I'm 50 and don't know who I am." I was surprised, but not.
I struggle with the same questions. Who am I? Do I belong here? Am I a weirdo?
Now, decades of church going have seared into my brain that I am a child of God. Do I believe this? Unequivocally. Do I believe there is more to the answer? Absolutely.
The other day my 9 year old daughter asked me if I thought she was weird? As her mother, and protector of her tender and innocent feelings, I replied, "Of course not." With no hesitation and with complete acceptance she said,
"Yes, I am. And, so are you. Everybody is weird, just in a different way."
Truly, out of the mouth of babes. She had a smile on her face and my heart was full in that moment as I realized that her childlike heart and mind had fully recognized the truth in those words. She was not scared of the implication of the word. She embraced it. She knew she was unique and she was ok with it.
We use the word "weird" to define something that is different from what we are. What we know. What we are comfortable with. How we do things. Feeling like we are "different" somehow translates into feeling like we don't fit in, like we don't belong. We don't want to stand out, or for people to view us any differently than they view the person right next to us (unless, of course, we think the person next to us is weird!). We don't want to be the last one picked for the team or the first one to be called on in class. We don't want to be too close to the ones who talk too loud, or too far from the ones who are politically correct. Most of us probably don't want to be the one that stands up in a room full of people and speaks out against the status quo. And, we definitely don't want to be known as a weirdo!
We also make mistakes and don't want people to know about those either. I found out about a mistake a friend made a while ago and they said to me, "Will you still be my friend?" I think my heart literally throbbed in that moment. What kind of world have we created where people believe if others knew the secrets hiding in the corner of their closets they would be ostracized, shunned from the rest of all the "perfect" people, not worthy of friendship, love, or forgiveness? We don't talk about the things that hurt us or that make us afraid and insecure. We don't talk about a lot of things that make us feel "different".
SO
Who am I? Do I belong here? Am I a weirdo?
Well, the answer to the first question is, I'm still figuring it out. I'm not the same person I was the day I stood and wept in the library with my friend. I'm not the same person I was the day I stepped off the plane to spend 18 months serving a mission or the day I got married. I'm not the same person I was the day I held my first baby or the day I buried my dad. I'm not even the same person I was a few months ago. I'm learning to be a different me every day. I grow and I change and hopefully I am learning. I fall down. A lot. I get up with bloody knees (and maybe even a broken nose) and take another step hoping that somewhere in the future those wounds will heal and I will be whole again. Stronger. Different than what I was before. Better.
Do I belong here? My answer to that is, just as much as anyone else. I realized there's no such thing as "fitting in" because there's no one thing we can fit into. Every runner, even though they may be running the same race, runs a little bit differently. Every painter uses their brush a little differently. Every orator uses a different inflection. No swimmer makes the exact same stroke as the swimmer in the next lane. No mother disciplines her child in the same way and no friend shows their love in the exact same way. But,
WE ALL BELONG.
There is a little space carved out in this grand universe for each and every one of us. Each one of us fills a space only we can fill and each one of us has the opportunity to fulfill the measure of our creation. And, guess what? We will all do it differently! And, guess what else? It's ok! It's not just ok, it's absolutely incredible!
And, the answer to the last question, Am I a weirdo? You betcha. And, so are you. Because everybody is weird, just in a different way.
:)
